You guys may recognize the title as that of an Alterna snowboard movie from a few years back. That movie has nothing to do with the following strings of words with punctuation at their ends. What I'm talking about here is basic park riding common sense. I was appalled at the sheer level of disregard displayed by riders in both the Quiksilver and Rookie parks on Sunday night, and that was one of the quietest nights of the week. I don't even want to imagine the colossal stupidity displayed on a high traffic day. There are rules when riding the park. They're not official, or written down in the terrain park manifesto, but anyone with half a brain and a strong sense to not get hurt and or sworn at should be able to think through things and figure out what you can and can't do in the park. Yet, true to form, I see people acting like complete morons on an almost weekly basis.
So, here are the dos and don'ts of park riding. They're not official rules, but if you're one of the people I'm talking about, then for you, they pretty much are THE law.
Sitting on the landings
I know that it may be a tempting spot to set up for a little lay down with your buddies on a nice sunny day. The angle on it is perfect, your board or skis are parallel to the grade, you get direct sunlight, and you can enjoy the view of the city at that angle too. There's no reason NOT to sit there. I'm sure everyone else will appreciate you trying to appreciate nature. The bigger the feature, the better. The bigger the feature, the less room you should leave before you and your croonies set up shop for a 20 minute rest session to talk about what you're going to do on the next feature before you all skip it and head off to spend some time claiming in the lift line just loud enough for that cute gal near you to hear.
The same goes with carving in the transition region of features. Yea, I'm talking to you, Miss "I Work Here, So I Can Cut You Off While You're On The Handrail, Causing You To Biff, And Then Scream At You At The Bottom Cause You Should Watch Where You're Going While Jibbing". The price is wrong!
Pretty good segue there, or as they say in French... segue. Anyways, there's obviously no better way to let the world know that you, of all people, are an amazing sponsored rider than by standing in the lift line talking about all the crazy crap you just stomped in the park. Not only does this make other people revere your god like presence and little park groms cower in fear, it also causes you to be more sexually appealing to those of the opposite sex. Lucky you. Unfortunately, the rest of us actually getting it done in the park see you 50-50 everything and think you're a huge tool. Yea, I'm talking to you, Mr. "I'm Gonna Tell You About My Entire Lap In Detail While Glancing Over At The Babe Behind You To See If She Notices Me". Try internet dating.
When you see a group of guys all strapped in and buttering up to a rail or box, or getting ready to drop into a jump line, there's no better way to make your presence felt than to zoom on down, carve around the group of people ready to ride and snake in front to hit that feature with your gaper toque and setback stance. Nothing says "I'm better than you" than straight legged airs and 50-50's down everything. For an added bonus, make sure to carve in about one centimeter away from any given rider. A near collision, or a large spray of snow down their backs, will scare them into never hitting that feature again cause they now know it's exclusively your real estate. Yea, I'm talking to you, Mr. "I Started Snowboarding In My Mid 40's And I Can Do Rails, I Don't Stop For No One". The rules apply to you too, Grandpa.
One good way to hide your insecurity about your lack of park riding skill is to mock other people who are legitimately trying to improve their riding. Those newbies have no business riding with a group of friends better than them in the big park for the sake of progression. They should just stick to the bunny hill for the rest of their lives. Mock their style, their riding, their bails. Anything and everything you can make fun of, make fun of it. It's even better if they're a girl. It'll make you look more manly and, if Biosocial Theory holds up, you'll have girls swooning at your feet in submissiveness in no time, you burly cave man, you. Yea, I'm talking to you Mr. "Ridiculously Tri-Neon Board And White Pants". Clean up your act.
Alright, I feel a lot better now. If you hear someone telling you to stop being a tool, it's probably something worth keeping in mind for all subsequent laps. Adhere by these guidelines and we'll all be happy.
***Editor's Note*** Obviously this is a bit of a humorous rant. The truth is, you have to be mindful and courteous not only in the park, but on the hill in general. Please be safe and follow the Alpine Responsibility Code at all times and be aware of the Freestyle Terrain Park Rating System. And please keep in mind that everyone is at different levels of progression. Remember, you were a beginner once too.